Perspective is great, it helps you to see a situation in a different way. “My kid isn’t doing well at school, but at least she’s not a drug addict”. I have heard mums, including myself saying these sorts of things, minimising the pain we are feeling to look on the bright side and be grateful.

We might feel like the problem is silly or a bit insignificant compared to what others may be facing. That can lead to feelings of shame or that we are being ungrateful or dramatic. We shouldn’t compare our troubles with others, as what we are going through is very personal to us. It should never be a comparison game of who has it worse.

Toxic positivity is described in the urban dictionary as, “The belief that if you just stay positive, you will overcome any obstacle, to such a degree that you invalidate natural emotional responses and the person having those feelings”.

Our own self-talk can be filled with toxic positivity too. We might not want to admit to ourselves that there is a problem or that we are struggling.  So we sweep those emotions along with the problems right under the carpet, not acknowledging or processing them.

Eventually, that small mound of parenting woes, insecurities, relational or health issues will grow, and you will see a mountain rising up from under the carpet. 

An article written by psychologist Konstantin Lukin says,

“When you deny or avoid unpleasant emotions, you make them bigger. Avoiding negative emotions reinforces this idea: Because you avoid feeling them, you tell yourself that you don’t need to pay attention to them. While you are trapped in this cycle, these emotions become bigger and more significant as they remain unprocessed. But this approach is simply unsustainable. Evolutionarily, we as humans cannot program ourselves to only feel happy.”

I’m sure you have heard or used the phrase “It could be worse”.

This might be appropriate if you burnt dinner or failed a test, but it wouldn’t be if you had just got a cancer diagnosis from your doctor.  “This sucks and I am scared, but I will get through this with support from my family and treatment,” is a healthy way of acknowledging both the positive and negative sides of the situation.  

Having a positive mindset, and speaking positively to ourselves and others is really important for our well-being. It lowers our stress levels and helps us to feel better physically and mentally. But we are designed to feel both positive and negative emotions.

Hard conversations with our kids, friends or spouses can feel awkward. We want to offer solutions to their pain, but emotions can get messy, so we use phrases like ‘just focus on the positive’ or ‘you’ll get over it’. But what we really need to do is just listen and acknowledge how they are feeling. Psychotherapist Noel McDermott says, “The majority of people I see as clients just need a damn good listening to. And nothing much more than that.”

When talking to our teens we can change the phrase, “You’ll get over it” with “This is hard, you’ve done hard things before and I believe in you”. Or “Just focus on the positive” to “I know there is a lot that could go wrong, but what could go right?”

Speaking this way acknowledges the problem with the hope of a positive outcome.