Dating is one of those topics that every family is going to have a different opinion about. 

But one thing I know for sure is you need to have figured out some family rules around dating before your teen is interested in going out with someone. 

A good place to start is deciding on what age you think is okay to start dating. Each teen’s personality and maturity needs to be considered. 

Dr Ron Eagar, a paediatrician at Denver Health Medical Centre says, “The magic number is 16. There’s an enormous difference between a 14-year-old and a 16-year-old in terms of life experience.”

Dating can have many definitions. It could be in the traditional sense such as going to a movie together, or if you have a younger teen it might be chatting online and the occasional smile as they walk past each other at school. 

Something to consider is whether hanging out in a mixed group would be better than a one on one date. It can take away any pressure or intensity, and if the date isn’t going well, your teen isn’t stuck with just one person. And, it helps to be friends first to get to know each other before anything more serious evolves. 

Ideally, a conversation about dating should be had with your kids when they are in their pre-teens. That way when they are thinking about a boyfriend or girlfriend they will know the family rules around dating. That doesn’t mean that there won’t be opposition, teenagers aren’t always that compliant, but it will open the gateway to some lively discussions and compromises.

If your older teen is already seeing someone, it is important that they know what a healthy relationship looks like. Trust is a big component in any relationship, and both partners need to let each other maintain individual friendships and continue with hobbies and activities. It is not ok for either partner to take away any personal freedom, in fact spending too much time together can lead to a break-up as the person may feel controlled or smothered.

As parents, we will find ourselves having many awkward chats with our kids. The level of sexual engagement in a relationship is one of them. Again, we need to start talking about sex as early as possible with our kids. It is a part of life that they need to be equipped to handle.

Teenagers have to weigh up the pros and cons of sexual activity in a relationship. It is a huge responsibility for them emotionally, physically, and morally. Each family will have its own ideas, values, and beliefs around sex which need to be communicated clearly.  

Teenagers won’t just accept a straight no without any reasons to back it up. Be prepared with your ‘why’ when you talk to your teen. They may not agree with you, but it gives them another perspective.

I love this quote by  Marvin J. Ashton, “Leave people better than you found them”. That is something I want my teens to embrace when they are in a relationship with someone. I want them to question if their partner is better off for knowing them even if they do break up. 

There are positive and negative outcomes for our teens when they start dating. They will have the opportunity to develop healthy relationship skills and have some fun. But dating can interfere with school work and study as well as self-esteem and mental health. 

Dating in the digital age can bring a fair bit of drama too. Misunderstood texts, things said online that wouldn’t be said face to face, and worst of all, the dreaded left on ‘seen‘.

Most teenage relationships don’t last until marriage, there are the lucky exceptions, but eventually, your teen will have their heart broken or break someone else’s. I know it sounds dramatic, but it is a very big deal when it happens. 

If you are lucky enough to be able to share some wisdom with your teen, encourage them to break it off in person if possible. It takes guts, but it is a respectful thing to do. And if they are on the receiving end of the breakup, be kind and extend a lot of grace. Your teen will feel up and down for a little while. Don’t dismiss their feelings by saying things like ‘There are plenty more fish in the sea’.

I know I sound like a broken record sometimes, but again, this is not a one-off conversation. Family expectations and rules will need to evolve as our teens get older. What seems reasonable for your 13 year old now, won’t be when they are 17. 

“‘Ask me!’ Parents ought to give their kids and teens the message; ‘I will answer ANY question you have and I will not punish you or shame you for asking. I might blush and I might stammer, but mostly I want you to ask me and not Google’”.  – Alexandra H. Solomon PhD. Clinical Psychologist