In my last blog post I asked a bunch of teenagers the question “What do you wish your parents knew?” so I thought it would only be fair to put the same question to some parents of teens. What I noticed in these conversations with parents was they all wanted their teens to listen to them. Not in a grouchy “do as I say” kind of way but in an “I have had a lot of life experience and made loads of mistakes so please learn from me because I love you” kind of way. 

What Parents Want Their Teens To Know

• “Don’t worry about what others think of you. Everyone else is too busy thinking about themselves, and what others are thinking about them. And most importantly, remember to value what you think of yourself. Make sure you love you.”
• “I wish my teenager knew how many life hacks they could learn from me, if only they’d listen!”
• “Cool is just a matter of opinion.”
• “We only want the best for them, and that we have been hurt ourselves, made mistakes ourselves – so we only want to try and pass on what we have learnt, and protect them from being hurt. Our goal is not to make life sucky for them.”
• “Friends will come and go. Choose your friends wisely, be inclusive, and don’t be afraid to set boundaries!”
• “Nobody is perfect.”
• “Whatever challenges you are facing right now will pass and you will learn from them.”

Peer Pressure

I love what psychologist Forrest Talley has to say about teenagers and peer pressure. 

“The temptation to follow the crowd will be particularly great during adolescence. Resist with all your might. Most of the pressure, nearly all of it, is applied by young people who are feeling even more insecure than you. By giving in you momentarily win the approval of your peers (or at least avoid their disapproval), but you lose a little bit of yourself. How so? If by following peer pressure you turn your back on what you hold to be right and true, then you’ve turned your back on an essential part of who you are … your ideals. So, hang on more tightly to your ideals than to acceptance by peers”.

So how do we get our teens to listen to all that great advice and actually believe it? Talking to teens can be hard. They claim to be very knowledgeable on most subjects, and because they are on their way to being autonomous they are making their own decisions. And, well, we are their parents, so we probably aren’t that relevant. Jokes aside, there are a few reasons why our teens don’t want to listen to us.

Why Do Teens Not Listen To Their Parents?

• They might feel like we aren’t listening to them – conversations require both speaking and listening
• If our teens see us as hypocrites then our words have no value; “Do as I say not as I do”
• They worry about being judged or criticised
•  Sometimes we use too many words so our teens (especially boys) tune out

Talking to my teenagers can be a bit like writing. I have a limited amount of words that I can use before I become boring, so I have to choose them wisely. I have to be careful about the way I communicate my ideas and opinions, so I don’t upset anyone too much! And I have to choose the right time, environment and headspace to start the dialogue. 

It’s worth remembering that teenagers don’t always want solutions to their problems. Sometimes they just want to vent about whatever is bugging them. All you need to do is offer a bit of empathy and encouragement.

“We have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak.” – Epictetus