I read a challenging quote that said, “A lot of parents will do anything for their kids, except let them be themselves.”
Most parents have hopes and dreams for their kid’s futures. They observe them when they are young and draw conclusions from their interests. The animal-loving toddler is sure to grow up to be a vet one day. But then that animal-loving toddler grows into a teenager who regularly forgets to feed the dog.

Your teen might not dress, listen to music, or have friendships that you thought they would have. And if you have put your teen in a ‘box’, or worse, are trying to live vicariously through them, then it might be a struggle to accept their decisions. 

A recent Instagram post by the Institute Of Child Psychology says, “It is not our job to mould our children into the version that we hoped they would become. It is to embrace all that they are and help guide them in their journey to becoming who it is they were meant to be. Children’s hobbies, likes, and interests should be uniquely their own to be nourished by a parent, rather than forced upon by the parent.”

My eldest teen is in his last year of high school. Over the years I thought I had him figured out. I thought he would continue to study subjects like maths and science because in the past he had been good at those. I had noticed a lack of motivation and resistance to school work, and I thought he was just being ‘teenagery’. It turns out that those classes weren’t a good fit for him. He found them boring and discovered that art and music were subjects he enjoyed and did well in.

Our teens don’t have to have their future all figured out by the time they leave school. We need to take some pressure off by being OK with them experimenting and changing their mind along the way. I know plenty of adult students, and friends who have had career changes later in life.

It is hard parenting teens and it doesn’t always go to plan. From the day they were born we protected and cared for them, and through the primary school years, they followed our instructions and took our advice. And now that they are teenagers we have to go against our instincts of keeping them close and always knowing what they are doing. It’s not easy to let go of that control, but it is necessary for your teen’s personal growth.

Clinical psychologist Kirrilie Smout says, “If we want teens to have good mental and emotional health, we must start with making sure they have some control over their lives. Over the 24 years, I’ve worked as a psychologist with teens I’ve consistently seen that those who make at least some decisions about what they do, who they spend time with, where they go and what is important to them do much better than those who do not have this freedom.”

Letting your teens be themselves doesn’t mean you can’t have boundaries. It is more about accepting them for who they are at this moment in time, and loving them blue hair and all.