How many times have you caved in and said yes to one of your teenagers just to stop their incessant harping on for a bit of peace and quiet? Or maybe you have said yes to a friend’s request out of duty, not only when your plate is full, but when it’s actually overflowing with life’s commitments.

Reasons Why We Find It Hard To Say No

• We have a desire to be liked
• We fear disappointing others
• We don’t want to be left out of future invites
• We feel guilty saying no
• We ‘hedge our bets’ in case we need a favour in the future
• We are taken by surprise
• We are people pleasers
• We don’t have the emotional energy to argue with our teenagers

Saying yes when you really want to say no builds resentment. It can cause you to vent your frustrations to anyone who will listen, or make you feel like you are helpless. Agreeing to do something you really don’t want to do also increases your stress levels and depletes your energy, leaving you feeling overwhelmed, anxious, exhausted and annoyed! 

Saying no doesn’t make you rude, selfish or a bad person. But we often struggle to say no because of our need to receive love and approval. We worry about being judged if we don’t meet the other person’s expectations, “What will she think of me if I say no?” And there is no need to offer any explanation as to why you have said no, author Shelly Tygielski from mindful.org says, “Saying the word “no” when someone asks you to do something, and then not following it up with the “why” may feel odd, rude even. The charged space that word leaves behind is palpable. Learning to say “no” and letting it hang out there all alone in its glory is a small kind of superpower.”

It takes practice to set boundaries and say no. It’s OK to consider what is being asked of you before you give an answer. Let the person know you will get back to them, this way you can weigh things up without making a decision on the spot that you might regret later. Think about how much time, energy or resources you currently have, and if saying yes outweighs the cost of saying no. By saying yes to something, you are saying no to something else, for example, if you say yes to your daughter having a sleepover at your place on Saturday night you are saying no to a quiet night of relaxation.

When we model healthy communication skills and boundaries to our teens, we are teaching them how to stand up for themselves. These skills will help them when they find themselves in any questionable situations. Knowing their own values can act as a moral compass when it comes to decision making, and modelling honesty will keep them from feeling guilty or embarrassed when they get found out in the future. 

Sometimes the hardest people to say no to are our teenagers, as it can require a lot of emotional energy. They seem to have a knack for asking for something at the wrong time which often results in an instant no, which often results in an argument. If you don’t feel calm or you don’t have time to talk about the request, tell them. Come back to the discussion later when things have quietened down.

An Instagram post from Synergy Parenting says, “Problem-solve together. This may mean you change your mind now that you have a better understanding, but it doesn’t mean going against your core values or intuition.”
It is OK to change your mind from a no to a yes when your teen presents you with more information, but if it goes against what you believe to be right then stick with your ’no’ and brace for impact. Then when your teen comes in with a counterattack (because they will see you as the enemy), hold your ground and remember that ’no’ is a complete sentence.