He was gliding down the hill on his green and black Ben 10 BMX on a quiet suburban street, chewing a big wad of strawberry Hubba Bubba bubblegum. As my husband and I soaked in the carefree vibes of our boy we coined the phrase, “It’s good to be 8.” We think back on that time as the effortless years of parenting. It was easy. We were out of the baby and toddler stage and our kids were growing in independence. But the sweetest part of it all was that they still adored us.

We had a say in what clothes they would wear, the food they would eat and the colour of their bedroom walls. We even got to choose who they would hang out with. And that was the right thing to do when they couldn’t make good decisions without our guidance. But now our kids have grown and they are developing their own identities and opinions which will help them on the path to adulthood. 

This new season of parenting can only be described as a war zone. A difficult time of adjustment for parents where they have to pick their battles with care or risk their words turning into white noise. Teens get enraged because they don’t feel like their parents are giving them respect and space to live their lives, and parents get exasperated because they don’t agree with their teenager’s decisions and can feel the control that they once had falling away.

Teenagers need to work out who they are apart from their parents. Gone are the days when they assumed everything we told them about the world was true. Now they question our worldview and explore other possibilities as they start to spend more time with their friends and less time with us. They have developed the ability to ask uncomfortably direct questions and construct bullheaded arguments that we have to bear the brunt of.

This might feel like rejection but rejecting an opinion or a belief is not the same as rejecting a person, and trying to curb this exploration won’t help them become confident adults. Dr Jane Nelsen, psychologist, educator, and mother of seven says, “I’m not trying to make light of rebellion. There is healthy rebellion and unhealthy rebellion. Often parents can’t tolerate even healthy rebellion such as the clothes they wear, their sullen attitudes, their lack of interest in spending time with the family, messy rooms, hours on the phone etc. and push their kids into more destructive rebellion because of parental disapproval, control, and punishment.”

Rules that are too strict will bring a sense of unfairness and a lot of protesting so it’s good to revise and update them periodically. And because a lot of teenagers feel like their parents and teachers have all the power, it’s a good opportunity to hear their ideas on rulemaking and breaking. By listening to their ideas you can restore the balance of power and hopefully come out with a win-win solution. 

Young people will push the boundaries to see how far they can go before getting into trouble. Some teens will push harder than others but even good kids will make some questionable choices on their journey to being an adult. Dr Jane Nelsen shares this important insight, “Demonstrate kindness and firmness at the same time. Kindness translates to conveying a feeling of unconditional love to your child. Firmness with teenagers often means deciding what you will do instead of what you will try to make them do. At one point, I said to my son, if you go to jail, I will love you and I will bring you cookies but I will not bail you out.”

A hard truth of parenting is that our end goal is to let our kids go. They are not ours to keep forever or to control. Our job is to raise independent adults who have a sense of who they are, and for us to believe that all of our hard work instilling values and morals into them will return again on that magical day when their brains have fully developed and the dust from their rebellious season has settled. 

Your teen might be partying too hard, not doing their homework or driving their friends around on a restricted license. Whatever it is, take heart from this quote by Dr Jane Nelsen. “Children usually come back to most of their parents’ values if they have been treated with kindness, firmness, and faith in their ultimate goodness during their rebellion.”