I was sitting in my silent car in a McDonald’s car park waiting for one of my kids who was at an appointment. The warmth of the sun slowly turned my car into a very relaxed and comfy space. The time between blinks slowed right down so I decided to recline my driver’s seat and rest for a minute. And then I did something I had never done before. I fell into a deep sleep in broad daylight in a public car park and it was only the sound of my own abrupt snore that woke me up. 

Feeling disorientated I snapped myself out of my slumber and walked bleary-eyed into McDonald’s to get a caffeine hit for the drive home. “Well, that’s a first,” I thought to myself as I sipped on my tea. Later that week I retold my story to my equally exhausted friend who responded in excitement with her own McDonald’s car park story. 

She retold the story of how she had woken up twisted like a pretzel in the back seat of her car and ended up seeking out a sugar hit in the shape of an apple pie. You see, parenting teenagers can produce an extraordinary level of exhaustion but through our shared experience we laughed and came up with ideas of how we could make our future car naps more comfortable.  

C.S Lewis said, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, “What! You too?” In those moments of bonding, we release the feel-good hormones serotonin and oxytocin which increase our feelings of connection. 

Parenting teenagers is not something any mum should be doing alone. We need to find a diverse tribe of women to learn from and share with. Talking about the imperfections of motherhood can help us see our problems from a different perspective and provide reassurance that we are not the only ones being driven to distraction by our teenagers. The camaraderie of a group of women can boost our confidence, enhance our parenting skills, and create feelings of optimism. And when we get together with our girlfriends there will always be an element of fun and laughter which are major stress relievers.

I am aware however that not everyone is included or has a close group of friends. If you have moved into a new community or if friendships haven’t been a priority for you because of work or parenting, it will take time and commitment to make new friends. It may seem daunting at first, but to meet potential friends you might need to take up a new hobby, chat with your neighbours or go to a community event. And when you meet another mum you would like to hang out with just be friendly and extend an invitation instead of waiting for an invite. 

Social media is great for developing community and catching up with friends who don’t live close by, but for true connection, we need to see each other face to face in real-time. Eye contact, a handshake or a smile is all it takes to trigger those feel-good hormones. Susan Pinker, author of The Village Effect explains, “In a short evolutionary time, we have changed from group-living primates skilled at reading each other’s every gesture and intention to a solitary species, each one of us preoccupied with our own screen.” 

Based on studies across diverse fields, Pinker concludes that there is no substitute for in-person interactions. They are proven to bolster our immune system, send positive hormones surging through our bloodstream and brain, and help us live longer. Pinker adds, “I call this building your village, and building it is a matter of life or death. In fact, neglecting to keep in close contact with people who are important to you is at least as dangerous to your health as a pack-away cigarette habit, hypertension, or obesity.”

It takes time to build trust and allow yourself to be vulnerable with your mum friends. Some women might hit it off instantly and feel comfortable talking about anything, while others may take a while to warm up and will need to feel a sense of belonging and safety before they can be their true selves within the group.

There is no doubt that life is busy and maintaining friendships is another ball to juggle. But making yourself available or reaching out to a friend that you haven’t heard from in a while is worth the investment of time and energy for the reward of comfort and belonging that friendship provides.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, joy, trust, intimacy, courage; everything that brings meaning to our life.” – Brené Brown