You may have heard the expression, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.” The same can be said about our teenagers. No matter how much we want to help or be let into our teenager’s world, we can’t make them open up and talk to us if they don’t want to. It can really hurt when our once chatty teenager stops talking to us or treats us with disdain, but it is in these moments that we have to accept that it’s not always about us.  

Our young people are trying to grow in independence and autonomy but it can be frustrating for both them and us when they are still living at home under our rules and guidance. Dr Justin Coulson PhD and author of “Miss-Connection” says, “Our children are growing up slower than they ever have in world history, the extension of adolescence to about age 23 has been called ‘adultescence’. We are dealing with a design issue that has no easy solutions. Where once children left the nest in their mid to late teens, which minimised the risk of conflict between parents and adolescents, the potential for power struggles now has a substantially extended timeline.”

That explains why this parenting journey can sometimes feel laborious. With younger teens, it is easier to set boundaries and expect them to adhere to the rules. But as your teen gets older and more autonomous it begins to get harder. There are power struggles, second-guessing and having to re-write those boundaries to suit your teen’s age.

Life with a teenager can be messy, and it’s only natural to want to help our teens when we see they are upset. But what do we do when they simply refuse to engage in conversation with us? Dr Coulson says, “There are no simple answers but it will be much easier if there is warmth in the relationship, effective collaborative limit-setting, and increasing levels of autonomy. Major findings are that if you are warm with your kids and have structure it will mostly work out.”

I know first-hand how difficult it is to remain warm when you are feeling red hot anger at being disrespected. It’s okay if you blow up on occasion, our kids know how to push our buttons and we are not expected to be perfect. So cut yourself some slack, apologise if necessary and try again next time. Because we all know there will be a next time. And when the temperature is rising it is always a good time to walk away and come back when you have cooled down. 

Miss-Connection is a book written about teenage girls, but this advice from Dr Coulson applies to all teenagers. “During our daughter’s moments of greatest disrespect shouldn’t we stop them, demand respect and tell them to grow up? That’s one option we have and it is undeniable, that our daughters must learn to be respectful. But self-respect is different to being respected. When we have self-respect our feelings toward ourselves are not dependent on the way our daughters feel about us.”

It is really hard not to take things personally when our kids are behaving badly, but the chances are they are struggling with something that has nothing to do with us. They could be feeling anxious, lonely, tired or hungry so they lash out at us or shut the door and won’t speak to us.

“When they clumsily reject us because they or we are uncomfortable we must have the maturity to respond compassionately. They want acceptance and they need to feel safe enough to have the courage to share their vulnerability with us. This takes time and effort,” says Dr Coulson.

Showing our teens warmth comes from a place of our inner strength and the ability to accept that it is not always us that they are fighting. It’s not about winning the power struggle it’s about gaining your teenager’s trust.  We have to pick our battles and stay connected even when it’s not easy or fun and give our teens room to grow. Even if they won’t talk, just being around helps. They know that we are available if they need us and that is important to them. We also need to remember that our teens are striving for independence and they don’t always want us to solve every problem for them, what they often want is for us to listen.

And if we do get an opportunity to hang out with them, it’s better to start off slow with light and fun conversation. If you come on too strong and pump them for information you may find your teen retreating back into their shell like a hermit crab. And if talking isn’t an option, little gifts, gestures or physical touch (if you can get close enough) also demonstrate love and trust which help to break down the barricades a little bit. 

An article written for The Child Mind Institute says, “Teens need their own space but they also need their parents. In fact, most teens say they want to be closer to their parents but don’t know how to do that. So while your kid is doing the work of separating, you need to do the work of carefully bridging the gap. Start by meeting them where they are at.”

If your teenager is now only sharing their thoughts and time with friends, that’s okay and normal. But, if you notice your teen withdrawing from life, not spending time with friends or doing activities they once enjoyed then it would be wise to seek professional help. They could be suffering from anxiety or depression and if that is the case they will need your support to get well again. 

It is developmentally normal for our emerging adolescents to push us away for a time and then come back to us when they are feeling a bit out of their depth. In these moments of needing us, our relationship feels good again. Savour this time and don’t take offence when you feel the distance creeping back in.