We are all created as unique individuals who approach problems in different ways. Sometimes this wonderful uniqueness can be problematic, especially when it comes to parenting our teens. You and your partner may not always be on the same parenting page, but the good news is, that you don’t always need to be. 

Psychologist Dr Tracy K. Ross says, “Children don’t need to get the exact same thing from both parents; while you do need to present a united front, you don’t need to agree on everything—it’s important to understand the difference between the two.”

There are several types of parenting styles but to keep things simple let’s look at three.

The Authoritarian Parent – strict, controlling, rigid about rules, demands cooperation and respect, teaches lessons through punishment.

The Permissive Parent – appeasing, indulging, doesn’t set boundaries, can’t say no, doesn’t enforce consequences.

The Authoritative Parent – reasonable expectations, supportive, warm, nurturing, communicative, enforces fair consequences.

Although the authoritative parenting style is favourable, an authoritarian and permissive parent combo can also complement each other. A permissive parent may help the authoritarian become more affectionate with their teen, while an authoritarian parent may help a permissive parent set boundaries. Playing to our strengths is a helpful strategy for everyone.

By looking at each other’s strengths we can also figure out who is best to play the lead parent role in specific scenarios. The more laid-back parent with nerves of steel might be the one who teaches their teen to drive, while the more empathetic thoughtful parent may help support their teen through a relationship break-up. 

The way we were parented can influence the decisions we make while raising our own kids. It’s important for you and your partner to know how each other was parented and what you would like to do the same or different. This is especially helpful when deciding on dating rules, time spent on electronics, school work, parties, curfew, and drinking.

Once you have agreed, or mostly agreed on the rules, write them down! It is so easy to forget what was put in place for your firstborn when the next kid in line brings their requests to you. And remember to re-assess the rules from time to time as your kids get older.

Just when you think you have all the parenting rules in order your teen will go and put you on the spot by asking you for something you haven’t considered yet or talked about with your significant other. This can put you on the back foot leaving you or your partner scrambling to come up with an answer. Even if you are not in agreement with your partner it is important to be on the same side.

Counsellor Dr Julia M. Chamberlain explains, ”When parents do not remain united in front of their children it can cause insecurity, anxiety and unease for them. Think of parents as the ‘captain of the ship.’ If there were two captains of a ship and the crew witnessed them not in agreement about the course of action, it can cause anxiety for the crew.”

Instead of undermining each other in front of our teens, go with whoever feels the most strongly about the decision at the time and discuss it further in private. “Even when you do not agree with your partner, it is best to validate their feelings and keep an open mind. This helps to de-escalate conversations and keep the focus on problem-solving,” says Therapist Dr Gulotta.

If you have been parenting for a while now you will know how astute our kids can be when it comes to dividing and conquering. If they get so much of a whiff that their parents are divided on a decision they will swoop right in to become an ally with the parent who is leaning more towards what they want. This will just cause division and tension between the parents and put the focus on a new argument instead of the original request.

Coming up with a compromise isn’t necessarily easy but it is often what is needed. It is not about being right or wrong as there is usually value in both sides of the argument. It’s about meeting in the middle to come up with a fair resolution.

Dr Gulotta continues,” Being willing to listen to your partner and hear their reasons for their personal views makes it easier to move forward. By listening to understand, each parent will gain more insight and will be able to express their own concerns and be honest with their feelings.”

Our kids are unique so it makes sense that we won’t parent them exactly the same way we parent their siblings.

“With parenting, there is no ‘one size fits all.’ You have to know your children and understand what works best for each one. Sometimes, one parent is more attuned to a particular child or has a blind spot. Having different philosophies can be especially helpful in these circumstances,” says Dr Tracy K. Ross.

When parenting disagreements arise it’s okay to not always get our own way. We can be open to what our partner has to say and if it doesn’t work out then we can try something different. Parenting involves a lot of trial and error and nobody does it perfectly. Remembering that you and your partner are a team and that you both love and want what is best for your teen will help you figure out the best way to get there.