How do we start a conversation about pornography with our teenagers? It’s tricky enough finding the right words to write this article. So I will use the ‘band aid’ approach and get straight to the point. According to the light project 71% of New Zealand’s young people first discover porn by accident, a 1/4 of those who have seen porn are exposed to it at 12 years or younger. Some teenagers have said that it’s harder to stay away from porn than it is to find it. So the chances are your teen has already seen pornographic material. 

Internet porn is easily accessible, free and anonymous, and children and teenagers are viewing it to educate themselves about sex. This is a dangerous place to be learning about what a sexual relationship looks like.

Often the content being viewed will show aggression and violence towards women and it may give the impression that women liked to be treated this way. There isn’t usually any conversation about consent or safe sex practices. Our teens might feel like they have to look or act a particular way during sex as this is what the actors are teaching them. All of this can amount to confusion and distress and have a negative impact on how a young person sees a healthy relationship. 

What can we do to keep our teens safe from spam, pop-ups and google searches gone wrong? Filters on devices can help, but our teens also need an internal filter so they can navigate their way through the online world.

So how do they develop an internal filter? Cue another awkward conversation with your teen. It’s up to you where and how, but it is really important for them to know that you are on their side. I think that shame can silence our teens, but if we are supportive and don’t freak out, they might just open up to us. Aside from talking about healthy relationships and porn stars being poor sex educators, it’s important for our teens to understand the impact of explicit images on the brain.

Watching porn can be addictive, Dr Jennifer Brown explains, “Sexually explicit content triggers a physical response in the body, a chain of events that ultimately floods the brain with unnaturally high quantities of chemicals including dopamine. In a split second, intense messages of excitement and euphoria are sent through the body. It is a natural biological response”. 

She goes on to say, “Dopamine is one of the major neurochemicals powering the reward circuit in the brain. It is associated with wanting, craving and seeking. It is released in the brain in anticipation of the reward, not attaining the reward. Sexual stimulation produces higher dopamine levels than any other natural reward”. 

In the article ‘How porn use becomes an addiction’, writer Noah Church tells us, “Internet porn used regularly and often, chemically and structurally changes the brain. These brain changes are consistent with those that occur in other types of addiction like drugs or alcohol. Adult brains’ have safeguards in place to protect them from being tricked by these chemical messages. But the teenage brain is still under heavy construction which makes them more vulnerable to the pull of pornography than adults”.

Once our teens understand that their brains are having a normal response, it can take away feelings of guilt and helplessness. They can then make a plan of what to do if they are tempted to look at pornography or if someone shows it to them on a device. A helpful resource for teens is ‘It’s time we talked‘. Here they will find some good tips and resources about the dangers of porn.

Pornography isn’t the most fun subject to research and write about. And I’m not suggesting that every teen is going to have a crippling porn addiction. I wrote this in the hope that parents would see how important it is to have this conversation, even if it is awkward so that our young people will experience healthy relationships built on love, respect, acceptance and commitment.