Most teenagers have a number of acquaintances but authentic friendships can be a bit harder to find. Belonging and connection are basic human needs and there is no better feeling than when you know that you truly belong with your friends and whānau. Teenagers feel this powerful instinct of belonging so strongly that it will influence their decisions as they seek out acceptance from their peers. 

Family is still important in the teenage years but we are pushed aside as friends take centre stage. There are some things parents can’t offer that genuine friendships can. Our teenagers can have uncensored conversations with their friends about life’s big questions and troubles and they get a self-esteem boost knowing they are part of a group other than their family who cares about them. 

The challenging part for teenagers is finding that friend group where they truly belong. Research professor Brené Brown explains, “Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else. Fitting in is changing who you are. Belonging is simply being who you are.”

As a parent, it can be hard if your teenager struggles with friendships or hasn’t found their tribe yet. But we aren’t rendered helpless, we can help our teens feel good about themselves by cultivating a sense of belonging at home.

Your teen needs to feel as though they completely belong in their own family. The family home needs to be a safe place where they can be themselves without judgement. 

After a long day at school, they need to come home to a place where parents show their teens respect, acceptance and unconditional love. There are so many voices telling them what to do and who to be that home should be a place of encouragement, fun and relaxation.

When our teens experience belonging they can be their true authentic selves. Fitting in lacks this acceptance and quite often involves changing who they are to fit into a situation or a group. 

Trying to fit in takes a lot of energy because it isn’t who our teenagers really are. Brené Brown puts it like this, “Fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I’ve discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely — it’s showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are. You cannot belong when you’re committed to trying to fit in.”

Brene’s research included focus groups of 13-14-year-olds who had this to say on the difference between belonging and fitting in.

• “Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere you really want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other.”
• “I get to be me if I belong. I have to be like you to fit in.”
• “Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.”

One of the teens from the focus group said,” Not belonging at school is really hard. But it’s nothing compared to what it feels like when you don’t belong at home.” Brené asked the students what that meant, and they used these examples:

• Not living up to your parent’s expectations
• Not being as cool or popular as your parents want you to be
• Not being good at the same things your parents were good at
• Your parents being embarrassed because you don’t have enough friends or you’re not an athlete
• You’re parents not liking who you are and what you like to do
• When your parents don’t pay attention to your life

So as you can see from Brene’s research, we have the very important responsibility of creating an environment that fosters an undeniable sense of belonging at home.

Social media can add to our teenager’s insecurities about belonging as it can create the illusion that everyone but them is out there having fun on a Saturday night. It can contribute to feelings of isolation and rejection. But when it comes to friendships I believe that quality over quantity matters. A couple of close friends are far more valuable than fitting into a large group where they don’t belong, even if their Instagram feed is telling them otherwise.

To help our teens grow into confident adults with a strong sense of self and connection we need to provide opportunities for them to play and try out different roles socially, physically and emotionally so they can establish their identities. We can encourage them to try new things and join clubs or groups out of school so they can hang out with like-minded people. This is also a good opportunity to reinforce that failure isn’t a bad thing. Trying something new could turn out to be something wonderful, but if it doesn’t it can be put down to a learning experience where your teen has discovered something else about themselves.

“I’ve always parented with the belief that love and belonging are the ground zero of wholehearted parenting. If they know they are loved and loveable if they know how to love, and if they know that no matter what, they belong at home, everything else will work out.” — Brené Brown