Have you seen it yet? The eye roll when you crack a joke around your teen. Or have you felt the burn from the words “You’re so weird Mum,” simply because you asked your teen’s friend how their day had been?

Well, if you haven’t yet, you will. Teenagers are desperately trying to fit in with their peers, and the last thing they want is to stand out by being embarrassed by their parents.

In their pursuit of autonomy and independence, they want the world to believe that we do not exist and that they have just materialised on earth without their parents. You will see and experience this behaviour in places such as the mall, or school drop off.

That is until they need a ride, or have a friend stay over. Then it’s ok, as long as we don’t say too much and keep a low profile.

My husband often jokes about how he needs a chauffeur’s hat when transporting our kids and their friends. He just gets on with the job of driving, and only engages in conversation when prompted.

Whether parents are embarrassing their kids intentionally or not, it seems there are many ways to do this.

1. Acting like a teenager instead of a parent
2. Asking their friends too many questions
3. Dressing like a dork (and probably using the word dork) 
4. Teasing them in front of their friends
5. Drawing attention to yourself, and them, by being loud in public

Teenagers actually believe that all eyes are on them, all of the time. It can make them feel very self-conscious. This belief is called the Imaginary Audience Concept.

The truth is, their peers are too busy worrying about themselves. They are so preoccupied with their own imaginary audience that they don’t have time to judge others. 

Psychologist Carl Pickhardt, PhD explains that embarrassment is not a trivial emotion; however, it is never something another person can do to you. Usually socially stimulated, it is always self-inflicted.

Meaning, we can make a mistake in public, but we get to decide to feel embarrassed or not. We can choose to blow the incident off or give in to the embarrassment, which can lead to fear and avoidance of certain situations and environments.

He makes an interesting point. Choosing how to deal with an embarrassing situation can empower our teens. 

This may be hard to do in the moment of the emotion, but processing the situation, and using some rational, positive self-talk afterwards, may help in the future. 

It is important to ask our kids if we behave in a way that embarrasses them. If their feedback is reasonable and respectful, consider making some changes.

And try to not take it too personally, after all, it is more about our insecure teens and the road they are on.

So let’s try and make this stage of the journey as painless as possible for them.